Liyana Azizul

All packed. I'm ready to move out to a new place tomorrow. 12 months of living in this house taught me so much about a lot of things. But now I just feel writing about one thing. You. It's been more than a year being away from you. It's been up and down going through days without you around. I still remember 4 years ago when I gave up with love , I taught myself that I don't need any guy by my side. Then, I met you. For months I didn't allow you to come through my safe zone. I kept that barrier between us because I had enough of fake love. Fast forward 4 years now, I can't believe how much light you added to my dark world. Tomorrow I'm moving to a new place to find my peace and happiness within me. Living in this flat taught me so much of self-love because without you around, there is no one else to love me like you do. You made a better girl/ The girl who chased her dreams and got them in her hands. I missed you so much. I miss talking to you in per...

It's funny how I know I'm much stronger than I am now but my mind and body are too tired to accommodate to what I'm going through. I know the easiest to say is "let it go" "life goes on" and yet its suffocating me how I'm going through this alone. Yes, I have people around me but it's not it. I'm searching for hope and signs that I'm worth it but it seemed to hard to convince myself that I am. This could be a millennial thing going on but it hurts. really bad. Have you ever got hurt so bad that you start feeling numb? Yep, that's exactly what I'm feeling now. It hurts so bad that I've lost that strong part of me. Maybe this is just a phase or maybe this is where I start to see another path for me. I don't know. So many questions, yet so many 'ifs'. Everyday I tell myself, this will get easy. it does on somedays. While somedays I just feel like hiding in a rabbit hole and too afraid to come out. Where ...

For the past one year, I've been living in a hostile condition. Well, it's not like a camp nor like a hostel. My flat looks normal as it can get from the outside but goodness sake, it's not what it is. When I first searched for a flat about a year ago, I looked out for the nicest humans to live with. A place where I could feel at home, not less of myself nor my religion and just live in a place where I feel safe to come home to. Being a lone ranger muslim hijabi in a foreign country is not easy. Sometimes I realise that I make it look very easy in social medias but its not. I've struggled through phases trying to make myself comfortable. It's a blessing when I get to meet a person who treats me just like a normal human being. I've been through some racisms in NZ but thank god mostly are from strangers where I don't have ties w them. That's why searching for a flat with random strangers was a challenge. I wanted to search for the 'connection...