Hostile
For the past one year, I've been living in a hostile condition. Well, it's not like a camp nor like a hostel. My flat looks normal as it can get from the outside but goodness sake, it's not what it is.
When I first searched for a flat about a year ago, I looked out for the nicest humans to live with. A place where I could feel at home, not less of myself nor my religion and just live in a place where I feel safe to come home to.
Being a lone ranger muslim hijabi in a foreign country is not easy. Sometimes I realise that I make it look very easy in social medias but its not. I've struggled through phases trying to make myself comfortable. It's a blessing when I get to meet a person who treats me just like a normal human being. I've been through some racisms in NZ but thank god mostly are from strangers where I don't have ties w them.
That's why searching for a flat with random strangers was a challenge. I wanted to search for the 'connection'. A place where being a muslim hijabi is not strange. hence, I found this group of amazing humans in this one cute flat.
Everything was okay the first few months until an 'event' occurred.
That point. I mean THAT point, things changed. I wished I could go back in time but life is what it is... it goes on. So considered myself as being mentally bullied for the past one year.
Imagine, having to kick start your (dream) career alone away from your beloved family & close friends, settling down your adult life and commitments all on your own. BUT when you come home, you're stuck in between where all you try to do is try to NOT give reasons/make problems/create options for your flatmates to be pissed at you for just being a human in that house. Well to make it short, I was a punching bag for my flatmates (verbally) when things go wrong between them.
I cooked less. I try to be home less. I have trouble sleeping. I'm constantly stressed.
Well to be honest, this is not the first time I was mentally bullied in a flat. The first time was in Malaysia. It wasn't that bad coz I was close to home so I could recharge often when I get back to Penang. The experience sucked BUT it showed me the real faces of people around me which thank GOD Allah showed me first hand .
Second experience was during my uni days in NZ where 2 girls in my flat ganged up on me. It was a painful phase at that time because I don't know/want to fight back coz I know things could get uglier. So I left and broke the contract with the flat and moved in into one of the nicest flat ever. Alhamdulillah.
Now this is the third time. It's just me being in the middle of a problem and I try my very best NOT to add to their problem(s). Genuinely, life for the past 12 months sucked when I'm home. It was a hell stressful year with work, studies and being away from my support system. But heck yeah, I survived! It's 2019 wohooo and I'm moving out next week to live on my own. literally. living alone. YAS just what I needed.
So let me just give u little bits of what it felt like to be mentally bullied....
1. even the slightest dust, youre at fault
2. the fingerprints on the fridge, youre at fault
3. thin walls and they can hear your footsteps in the morning - youre at fault
4. the entrance door is below their bedroom and the noise is loud in the morning when I leave for work - youre at fault
5. If you do the slightest mistake, you're the worse flatmate in the whole world
6.....
The list keeps going. And because of these matters, I chose to not cook much. I cook as simple as possible just for survival to avoid giving them reasons to find my faults in the kitchen. I stayed in my room most of the time when I'm home coz I'm just sick of giving reasons to annoy them. well basically, I don't find peace when I'm home from work.
Maybe because im much younger than they are. and bcause of the age difference, I had the feeling they didnt have much respect on me and different cultures as well. They took advantage of my soft side where I don't fight back. In which I know I could but I decide not to bcs it's not worth it. I might be just be 22 and a half but dear god dont treat me like a kid. I have a maturity level wayyyyy beyond my age. Hence, I keep telling myself "It's okay liyana".
It's tough going through this by myself but I'm so used to hiding these pain and stress bcs at the end of the day, I know all I have is myself to fix on how I react to it.
Being mentally bullied just make your days goes painful and hard. Coz when you are mentally exhausted from work, you can't recharge yourself when you need to improve your performance at work and that is why I'm so excited and happy for next week!!! I can't wait to start over my career and life as an adult.
Despite all these, I'm thankful for the experiences that I went through. Those are some tough ***t from people that I just have to let it slide.
These experiences taught me to be patient and just suck it in sister. No one is going to be there and pick yourself up to go to work the next day. Coz if I don't let it go and make the best out of the next day at work, no one is going to pay my bills(literally).
Also to you dear readers, always be aware that things can be pretty today and (very) ugly in the following week. Be prepared when things go wrong.
and that boys and girls, stay tough.
Be Kind!
Regards,
Liyana
When I first searched for a flat about a year ago, I looked out for the nicest humans to live with. A place where I could feel at home, not less of myself nor my religion and just live in a place where I feel safe to come home to.
Being a lone ranger muslim hijabi in a foreign country is not easy. Sometimes I realise that I make it look very easy in social medias but its not. I've struggled through phases trying to make myself comfortable. It's a blessing when I get to meet a person who treats me just like a normal human being. I've been through some racisms in NZ but thank god mostly are from strangers where I don't have ties w them.
That's why searching for a flat with random strangers was a challenge. I wanted to search for the 'connection'. A place where being a muslim hijabi is not strange. hence, I found this group of amazing humans in this one cute flat.
Everything was okay the first few months until an 'event' occurred.
That point. I mean THAT point, things changed. I wished I could go back in time but life is what it is... it goes on. So considered myself as being mentally bullied for the past one year.
Imagine, having to kick start your (dream) career alone away from your beloved family & close friends, settling down your adult life and commitments all on your own. BUT when you come home, you're stuck in between where all you try to do is try to NOT give reasons/make problems/create options for your flatmates to be pissed at you for just being a human in that house. Well to make it short, I was a punching bag for my flatmates (verbally) when things go wrong between them.
I cooked less. I try to be home less. I have trouble sleeping. I'm constantly stressed.
Well to be honest, this is not the first time I was mentally bullied in a flat. The first time was in Malaysia. It wasn't that bad coz I was close to home so I could recharge often when I get back to Penang. The experience sucked BUT it showed me the real faces of people around me which thank GOD Allah showed me first hand .
Second experience was during my uni days in NZ where 2 girls in my flat ganged up on me. It was a painful phase at that time because I don't know/want to fight back coz I know things could get uglier. So I left and broke the contract with the flat and moved in into one of the nicest flat ever. Alhamdulillah.
Now this is the third time. It's just me being in the middle of a problem and I try my very best NOT to add to their problem(s). Genuinely, life for the past 12 months sucked when I'm home. It was a hell stressful year with work, studies and being away from my support system. But heck yeah, I survived! It's 2019 wohooo and I'm moving out next week to live on my own. literally. living alone. YAS just what I needed.
So let me just give u little bits of what it felt like to be mentally bullied....
1. even the slightest dust, youre at fault
2. the fingerprints on the fridge, youre at fault
3. thin walls and they can hear your footsteps in the morning - youre at fault
4. the entrance door is below their bedroom and the noise is loud in the morning when I leave for work - youre at fault
5. If you do the slightest mistake, you're the worse flatmate in the whole world
6.....
The list keeps going. And because of these matters, I chose to not cook much. I cook as simple as possible just for survival to avoid giving them reasons to find my faults in the kitchen. I stayed in my room most of the time when I'm home coz I'm just sick of giving reasons to annoy them. well basically, I don't find peace when I'm home from work.
Maybe because im much younger than they are. and bcause of the age difference, I had the feeling they didnt have much respect on me and different cultures as well. They took advantage of my soft side where I don't fight back. In which I know I could but I decide not to bcs it's not worth it. I might be just be 22 and a half but dear god dont treat me like a kid. I have a maturity level wayyyyy beyond my age. Hence, I keep telling myself "It's okay liyana".
It's tough going through this by myself but I'm so used to hiding these pain and stress bcs at the end of the day, I know all I have is myself to fix on how I react to it.
Being mentally bullied just make your days goes painful and hard. Coz when you are mentally exhausted from work, you can't recharge yourself when you need to improve your performance at work and that is why I'm so excited and happy for next week!!! I can't wait to start over my career and life as an adult.
Despite all these, I'm thankful for the experiences that I went through. Those are some tough ***t from people that I just have to let it slide.
These experiences taught me to be patient and just suck it in sister. No one is going to be there and pick yourself up to go to work the next day. Coz if I don't let it go and make the best out of the next day at work, no one is going to pay my bills(literally).
Also to you dear readers, always be aware that things can be pretty today and (very) ugly in the following week. Be prepared when things go wrong.
and that boys and girls, stay tough.
Be Kind!
Regards,
Liyana
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